Category: Joke Board
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
o go ahead and give it a try.I called the club and
made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get
out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a
whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I nparked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when
I got on the treadmill,so Belinda put me
on the stair monster. Why the Hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life.She said some other
shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it
took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to
find me. Then,as punishment, she put me
on the rowing machine --which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the damned barbells
or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little shit) will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had
wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
I didn't laugh out loud, but it was still funny.
This has gone around many times including here on the zone. I've seen different versions of it...a man giving the week's membership to his wife, a wife giving one to her husband where he has a beautiful female trainer, and now this one. So no, I didn't laugh out loud this time but did the first dozen or so times I've seen it.
wow..